Monday, March 31, 2014

Class of 2018 96% Male

The official enrollment numbers for the incoming Class of 2018 have been announced, and according to the Office of Admissions it will consist of 1,328 students, 1,274 of which are male indicating a male-to-female ratio of almost one to zero.

While the Admissions Office recognizes that the gender ratio for this class may be considered lower-than-average, they affirm that the admission process fairly evaluates all applications without prejudice to gender.

“Girls just aren’t that smart,” said William Navidson, Dean of Admissions. “Honestly, we don’t know how they actually expect to compete in the clearly male programs taught at Rensselaer, anyway.”

When asked, Admissions officials stated that they “really can’t think of a time” that a woman had contributed to the fields of science or engineering, and proposed that women interested in pursuing careers in these fields instead focus their time on “girly things” and “easier stuff”.

“I recommend knitting, or crying about their feelings,” said Navidson, going on to state that there is no room in science for women, girls, chicks, babes, or any variation thereof. He went on to explain that, “while we recognize that women have made great strides in the science of blowjobs and hair care, Rensselaer does not currently offer curricula in these fields.”

Additionally, the official report for class statistics lists the average attractiveness of the incoming female students as “between a 4 and 5, but only after a few drinks”, with over 60 students rated as “only with the lights off”.

Due to the high ratio of male to female students in the upcoming class, the Cary, Bray, Hall, and Nason freshman dormitories will be converted to single-sex buildings, with Barton Hall being reserved exclusively for female students.

(The opinions and views expressed in this article do not reflect those of RPI Onion, RPI’s only reliable news source.)

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Institute Website Moved to Geocities

RPI officials, in an announcement released today, stated that the Institute's website has officially moved its hosting from the previous dedicated servers hosted locally on campus to Geocities.

"Rensselaer's online presence has been notoriously bland," said Razamatazz Buckshank, lead web developer for RPI. "So we decided to add some glitter." Geocities is a web hosting service offered by Yahoo! from 1999 to 2009 which offered anyone, even the least skilled and poorly-trained web developers, the ability to have their own website, just like the real web designers.

Officials say that the new site design will allow prospective students access to flashing rainbows, kitty GIFs, and the dancing baby, while still providing current students with a resource for MIDI files of their favorite 90's songs.

Reports indicate that development of an odometer-like "hit counter" is also underway.

The new Computer Science department homepage.

Despite the fact that Geocities officially shut down its web hosting service in October of 2009, the Japanese version of the service is still available. The new site is estimated to cost $8.95/month (for Geocities Premium hosting), plus an additional $15 setup fee. These increased costs will be reflected in student tuition, which will be expected to increase by approximately $14,000 per student.

The site will also offer a healthcare exchange.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Brown Bag Owner Refusing to Leave Room

Sources are reporting that, following a series of aggressive and poorly-punctuated social media posts by local late-night heart attack advocate The Brown Bag, the restaurant's owner and operator of the related Facebook account has locked himself in his bedroom and is refusing to come out.

Reports indicate that shortly after 10:00 pm yesterday Terry Matthews, known for his acclaimed dishes incorporating stale store-bought doughnuts, suddenly sprinted to his room and slammed the door shut, where he has remained for over 30 hours.

Matthews has declined to leave his room, stating that he will be holding his breath until he gets his way. Friends and family have pleaded with Matthews to come out of his room just to talk about what's bothering him, but each attempt at contact has resulted in stamping feet and incoherent screaming from the fully-grown owner of a legitimate business in the service industry.

Fellow business owner and grown adult with responsibilities Koko Pelli has issued an announcement that, in an effort to coax Matthews out of his bedroom, Pelli will be sending several hundred customers to The Brown Bag.

Matthews was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Tips for Surviving Your 8am Classes

With the start of classes, many students will inevitably confront the perils of having a class at 8:00am. These classes are a struggle for many, so we've compiled some helpful tips to get you through them.
  • Skip them. Seriously, who puts a recitation at 8am on a Monday? Fuck that.
  • Don't sleep. How can you sleep through the class if you don't go to sleep?
  • Take drugs. Stimulants like cocaine and methamphetamine are great for boosting your alertness, confidence, and likelihood to end up in the PubSafe incident blotter. Contact your local dealer for more information.
  • Teach the course. If you're the professor, you can always just cancel the class.
  • Cause a natural disaster. Snow storms, hurricanes, and sharknadoes are all legitimate reasons for RPI to cancel classes. All this takes is the ability to manipulate barometric pressure and shark migratory activity at will.
  • Sleep in the classroom. If you're already there, you can set your alarm for exactly 8:00 and be right on time!
  • Drop out. Kind of self-explanatory.
  • Move all the clocks back. Make sure you get everyone's phones and laptops, too.
  • Have a balanced breakfast. A good meal in the morning is a great jumpstart to the day.
  • Ask Shirley to move the class. The President can be contacted by phone at 518-276-6211 or by email at

Monday, August 26, 2013

All Classes to Require Custom Edition Notebooks

Curriculum advisers announced today that, starting this semester, all courses will now require a custom edition notebook published exclusively for Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. The decision, which comes following the popularity and success of the custom edition textbooks required by many classes, is set to allow students an enhanced learning environment.

The notebooks will come in varying sizes, from one to five subject, and up to three different colors. Faculty have stated that they hope these options will allow students to "freedom and options" to customize their academic experience. They will also feature a watermark "CUSTOM EDITION FOR RENSSELAER POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE" at the bottom of every page, forbidding the resale of these copyrighted works.

In addition to custom features published only for Rensselaer, including a "Rensselaer Red" margin color and "institute-ruled" lines, officials have made it clear that the notebooks will be updated every year to a new edition, in order to keep content fresh and exciting.

The books will be on sale in the Union Bookstore, beginning at only $89.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Dr. Jackson Accepts OutKast's Apology

President Jackson spoke to press today to announce that, over twelve years since the release of their Stankonia album, she has finally decided to accept hip hop group Outkast's apology.

"Mr. Boi and Mr. 3000 have sincerely expressed their apologies," Dr. Jackson said to a roomful of media reporters and assorted hip hop professionals, "and I feel that it is time for us to move past our prior differences and squash this beef."

Ms. Jackson went on to explain that her hesitation in absolving the multi-platinum recording duo was mainly due to the backhanded nature of their words, which included several threats to disconnect her cable and electricity. She was ultimately won over, however, by Andre 3000's promise to "become a magician", a field of study which Dr. Jackson herself has committed several years of research toward.

When asked, she made it clear that she had no intention to hold beef forever, forever ever, forever ever, but that she does request that they respect her distinction and refer to her as "Doctor Jackson".

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

NRB to Feature Events from 'Fear Factor', US Army Training

Janelle Fayette, Dean of the First-Year Experience, announced plans today to re-vamp the Navigating Rensselaer and Beyond program, the week preceding the start of classes in which incoming Rensselaer students are familiarized with the people and atmosphere of RPI.

"Besides being a chance for new students to experience the extremely uncommon late-summer beauty of the Rensselaer campus," said Fayette, "we want NRB to also allow students a chance to become accustomed to the harshness and brutality of a full-time enrollment at RPI."

The program has been completely re-hauled, with new overnight and day trips available to students at a cost of only $250-$300 per event. The Office of the First-Year Experience has said that they worked closely with United States Army drill sergeants and producers from the reality television series Fear Factor in an effort to provide a "physically uncomfortable and emotionally demanding" experience for students.

During the week leading up to classes, freshmen will be introduced to their commanding officer and instructed in proper marching formation and weapon handling. They will also be tasked with physical training and obstacle courses designed to simulate real combat situations one may encounter in Troy. Meal vouchers will be provided for a special NRB menu which is set to include cockroaches, large spiders, and cow testicles, a lineup which Sodexo has boasted as being "top-of-the-line".

Students who refuse to complete their NRB activities, or are unable to complete them in a timely manner, will be immediately cut from enrollment at Rensselaer and sent home. Those left at the end of the week will win a grand total of $61,820, which must be made directly payable to Dr. Shirley Jackson.

Below is a short summary, provided by the Office of the First-Year Experience, of several of the new overnight NRB trips.

Habitat for Insanity
Learn the true meaning of "insanity"! Given plywood, nails, and a loaded pistol with a single bullet, you'll be presented with the opportunity to build your own 2'x2'x6' box, devoid of any light or fresh air. Enjoy the soothing sounds of "Dear Old RPI" on repeat for three nights as your last shard of sanity is slowly peeled away from your brain stem. "Habitat for Insanity" is perfect way to prepare yourself for the long, mindless nights of studying you're about to embark on. Best of all, it doesn't even involve any charity work!

Silverfish Bay
Think Puckman is the best mascot at RPI? You've never showered in the residence halls! Silverfish, also known as house centipedes, make up over 98% of the student body at Rensselaer, and they love to come out to play when you're at your most vulnerable (naked and wet). At Silverfish Bay, you'll get a weekend-long experience with these many-legged freaks, as all the showers have been fitted with an infinite supply of them. Stomp down the drain all you want, they'll just keep coming!

Camp So'alone
Owing its name to the Native American word for "engineer", Camp So'alone offers freshman an early look into the inevitable years of crushing loneliness at RPI. Ferociously segregated by gender, you'll get to engage in exciting activities such as "thinking about girls" and "seriously considering transferring". And don't worry, there are plenty of socially isolating activities for girls too, including "awkward advance roulette" and "Sage College".

Darrin City Water Institute
If Rensselaer is known for anything, it's our state-of-the-art facilities featuring running water and indoor plumbing. When you go on the Darrin City Water Institute overnight trip, you'll spend three days with real Troy plumbers and city workers learning the ins and outs of the Troy public water system! Get ready to get wet, because this is a hands-on experience in which you will physically have to navigate real, in-use sewer systems! The memories and smells will linger forever, because they literally may not wash out of your clothes.

From everyone at RPI Onion, we'd like to welcome the Class of 2017 and we hope you enjoy your first year. Or run away now. Totally up to you.