Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Re: The Resignation of Dr. Jackson

To: The Rensselaer Community
From: Shirlxoxo420@hotmail.com
Date: July 22, 2014
Re: Resignation of Dr. Jackson, Ph.D, MD, DDS, DHCP, LOL, BOGO.

It is with a mixture of happiness and even more happiness that I announce the resignation of Dr. Mrs. President Shirley Ann Mountaindew Herbert Jackson as President of Everything. Dr. Jackson has accepted a position as an extremely wealthy retired person at her mansion in Bolton.

Over the past several years, Dr. Jackson has been responsible for increased tuition; higher acceptance rates; the advancement of science by continuing development of hyperbolic organic gross mass restitution and income tax chambers for hydroponic marijuana; being the Institute’s only focus on diversity; and encouraging staff to abandon academia to pursue their dreams as professional athletes, leading to RPI’s first ever victory in the World Cup. We will be commencing a national search for a new goalie.

From her 10,000 square foot mountaintop home, Dr. Jackson will oversee Lake George while plotting to steal Christmas from Whoville. Her responsibilities will include sleeping, watching TV, and tending to a variety of produce in her vegetable garden.

On behalf of the Rensselaer Board of Trustees, the Faculty Senate, Lee Sharma, every student past, present, and future, their parents’ accountants, Sallie Mae, and myself, I regret to see a leader such as Dr. Jackson leave our community, but I take pride in the fact that she is me, and is poised to do the same for current and future me.

Please do not join me, and maintain a considerable distance from my person at all times.

Friday, June 13, 2014

23 Left Obese After Mass Spooning

Calling current regulations into question, 23 innocent students were left morbidly obese yesterday when a spoonman, armed with dozens of sporks, teaspoons, plasticware, and ladles entered the Student Union and opened fire on the students.

The attacker has been identified as 34-year-old James Jameson, a local resident with no documented history of mental instability. During his rampage, he is estimated to have force-fed the victims over 25 million calories of delicious greasy food. In response, friends and family of the victims are calling now for stricter spoon control legislation.

"We can't give people access to this kind of power," said rising sophomore The Rock. "There's no reason that anyone would need that many spoons for their own use."

Spoon proponents are firing back, however, claiming that they need spoons to feed their families and to eat liquid foods such as soup and cereal.

"If spoons make people fat, then guns kill people," said a local spoon enthusiast Dick Johnson, 43. "You'll get my spoons when you pry them from my cold, dead hands. If you take away the spoons, people will just turn to other utensils like knives."

Many anti-spoon protesters argue that the US shouold follow other countries who have eliminated spoons such as China, whose chopstick legislation has reduced spoon deaths by over a lot in recent years.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Class of 2018 96% Male

The official enrollment numbers for the incoming Class of 2018 have been announced, and according to the Office of Admissions it will consist of 1,328 students, 1,274 of which are male indicating a male-to-female ratio of almost one to zero.

While the Admissions Office recognizes that the gender ratio for this class may be considered lower-than-average, they affirm that the admission process fairly evaluates all applications without prejudice to gender.

“Girls just aren’t that smart,” said William Navidson, Dean of Admissions. “Honestly, we don’t know how they actually expect to compete in the clearly male programs taught at Rensselaer, anyway.”

When asked, Admissions officials stated that they “really can’t think of a time” that a woman had contributed to the fields of science or engineering, and proposed that women interested in pursuing careers in these fields instead focus their time on “girly things” and “easier stuff”.

“I recommend knitting, or crying about their feelings,” said Navidson, going on to state that there is no room in science for women, girls, chicks, babes, or any variation thereof. He went on to explain that, “while we recognize that women have made great strides in the science of blowjobs and hair care, Rensselaer does not currently offer curricula in these fields.”

Additionally, the official report for class statistics lists the average attractiveness of the incoming female students as “between a 4 and 5, but only after a few drinks”, with over 60 students rated as “only with the lights off”.

Due to the high ratio of male to female students in the upcoming class, the Cary, Bray, Hall, and Nason freshman dormitories will be converted to single-sex buildings, with Barton Hall being reserved exclusively for female students.

(The opinions and views expressed in this article do not reflect those of RPI Onion, RPI’s only reliable news source.)

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Institute Website Moved to Geocities

RPI officials, in an announcement released today, stated that the Institute's website has officially moved its hosting from the previous dedicated servers hosted locally on campus to Geocities.

"Rensselaer's online presence has been notoriously bland," said Razamatazz Buckshank, lead web developer for RPI. "So we decided to add some glitter." Geocities is a web hosting service offered by Yahoo! from 1999 to 2009 which offered anyone, even the least skilled and poorly-trained web developers, the ability to have their own website, just like the real web designers.

Officials say that the new site design will allow prospective students access to flashing rainbows, kitty GIFs, and the dancing baby, while still providing current students with a resource for MIDI files of their favorite 90's songs.

Reports indicate that development of an odometer-like "hit counter" is also underway.

The new Computer Science department homepage.

Despite the fact that Geocities officially shut down its web hosting service in October of 2009, the Japanese version of the service is still available. The new site is estimated to cost $8.95/month (for Geocities Premium hosting), plus an additional $15 setup fee. These increased costs will be reflected in student tuition, which will be expected to increase by approximately $14,000 per student.

The site will also offer a healthcare exchange.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Brown Bag Owner Refusing to Leave Room

Sources are reporting that, following a series of aggressive and poorly-punctuated social media posts by local late-night heart attack advocate The Brown Bag, the restaurant's owner and operator of the related Facebook account has locked himself in his bedroom and is refusing to come out.

Reports indicate that shortly after 10:00 pm yesterday Terry Matthews, known for his acclaimed dishes incorporating stale store-bought doughnuts, suddenly sprinted to his room and slammed the door shut, where he has remained for over 30 hours.

Matthews has declined to leave his room, stating that he will be holding his breath until he gets his way. Friends and family have pleaded with Matthews to come out of his room just to talk about what's bothering him, but each attempt at contact has resulted in stamping feet and incoherent screaming from the fully-grown owner of a legitimate business in the service industry.

Fellow business owner and grown adult with responsibilities Koko Pelli has issued an announcement that, in an effort to coax Matthews out of his bedroom, Pelli will be sending several hundred customers to The Brown Bag.

Matthews was unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Tips for Surviving Your 8am Classes

With the start of classes, many students will inevitably confront the perils of having a class at 8:00am. These classes are a struggle for many, so we've compiled some helpful tips to get you through them.
  • Skip them. Seriously, who puts a recitation at 8am on a Monday? Fuck that.
  • Don't sleep. How can you sleep through the class if you don't go to sleep?
  • Take drugs. Stimulants like cocaine and methamphetamine are great for boosting your alertness, confidence, and likelihood to end up in the PubSafe incident blotter. Contact your local dealer for more information.
  • Teach the course. If you're the professor, you can always just cancel the class.
  • Cause a natural disaster. Snow storms, hurricanes, and sharknadoes are all legitimate reasons for RPI to cancel classes. All this takes is the ability to manipulate barometric pressure and shark migratory activity at will.
  • Sleep in the classroom. If you're already there, you can set your alarm for exactly 8:00 and be right on time!
  • Drop out. Kind of self-explanatory.
  • Move all the clocks back. Make sure you get everyone's phones and laptops, too.
  • Have a balanced breakfast. A good meal in the morning is a great jumpstart to the day.
  • Ask Shirley to move the class. The President can be contacted by phone at 518-276-6211 or by email at president@rpi.edu.

Monday, August 26, 2013

All Classes to Require Custom Edition Notebooks

Curriculum advisers announced today that, starting this semester, all courses will now require a custom edition notebook published exclusively for Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. The decision, which comes following the popularity and success of the custom edition textbooks required by many classes, is set to allow students an enhanced learning environment.

The notebooks will come in varying sizes, from one to five subject, and up to three different colors. Faculty have stated that they hope these options will allow students to "freedom and options" to customize their academic experience. They will also feature a watermark "CUSTOM EDITION FOR RENSSELAER POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE" at the bottom of every page, forbidding the resale of these copyrighted works.

In addition to custom features published only for Rensselaer, including a "Rensselaer Red" margin color and "institute-ruled" lines, officials have made it clear that the notebooks will be updated every year to a new edition, in order to keep content fresh and exciting.

The books will be on sale in the Union Bookstore, beginning at only $89.