Date: July 22, 2014
Re: Resignation of Dr. Jackson, Ph.D, MD, DDS, DHCP, LOL, BOGO.
It is with a mixture of happiness and even more happiness that I announce the resignation of Dr. Mrs. President Shirley Ann Mountaindew Herbert Jackson as President of Everything. Dr. Jackson has accepted a position as an extremely wealthy retired person at her mansion in Bolton.
Over the past several years, Dr. Jackson has been responsible for increased tuition; higher acceptance rates; the advancement of science by continuing development of hyperbolic organic gross mass restitution and income tax chambers for hydroponic marijuana; being the Institute’s only focus on diversity; and encouraging staff to abandon academia to pursue their dreams as professional athletes, leading to RPI’s first ever victory in the World Cup. We will be commencing a national search for a new goalie.
From her 10,000 square foot mountaintop home, Dr. Jackson will oversee Lake George while plotting to steal Christmas from Whoville. Her responsibilities will include sleeping, watching TV, and tending to a variety of produce in her vegetable garden.
On behalf of the Rensselaer Board of Trustees, the Faculty Senate, Lee Sharma, every student past, present, and future, their parents’ accountants, Sallie Mae, and myself, I regret to see a leader such as Dr. Jackson leave our community, but I take pride in the fact that she is me, and is poised to do the same for current and future me.
Please do not join me, and maintain a considerable distance from my person at all times.